Pai Gow and the Earl of Sandwich = Epic Nights

Life's been good to me so far. I feel like I've been blessed in my time here on Earth. I've been through some good, some bad, and some ugly. This last weekend (and by last weekend, I mean some weekend in December) was a combination of all of those, yet the end result was nothing but another grand adventure. Going to Vegas usually has that effect on a weekend. As fantastic of a time it was, there was a point in the early going where it was on the verge of being a disaster (I guess we probably could have made the most of it and made it still really awesome, but since it didn't turn down that path, I'll just say it would have been close to the end of my blessed life as I knew it. You know, for dramatic effect). Shortly after I woke up after the first night of the weekend, I came so close to the edge of the cliff, I was actually falling off, until a mighty hand reached out and snatched me from what was to be certain death. This is the story.

Some time last year my boy Dave announced that he and Timmy Reynolds would be playing a small tour in December. That tour included two shows in The Vegas. Since Addy and I have never seen this dynamic duo and since we had pretty much seen every other concert that DMB had played on the summer tour, we decided that it would be pretty stupid not to go. Let's just get it out of the way and call me a super fanatic weirdo that would follow Dave anywhere. You can make fun of me all you want. I don't care, not even a little bit.

Some Thursday in December I arrived and quickly pulled up to the Planet Hollywood (PH) sports book to take in the Colts/Titans game while I waited with great anticipation for my friend Addy to arrive. Upon his arrival we polished off our typical weekend starter shots of Jameson and prepared for a wild ride.

This marks my fourth trip to Sin City and since I'm not a huge table game gambler, I've sort of developed my Vegas formula. I dabble in a bit of blackjack and craps, but I hate losing money. If I'm down quickly, I get pissed and walk away. There is a hidden gem of a game that I have grown deeply fond of. The name of this post gives light to that game. Pai Gow.

I don't think many people know how to play, which is a shame because if you want to gamble and drink for free without much risk of losing money, this is the game for you. I feel it is my duty to explain and share it with the world, and by the world I mean the three people that read this. It's a simple game really, based on poker hands. Each player and the dealer is dealt seven cards. From those seven cards you form two poker hands, one with two cards, the other with the remaining five cards. The only catch is that the five card hand must be higher than the two card hand. To win, both of your hands must beat the dealer's respective hands. Naturally this leads to lots of ties or pushes and of course no money exchanges. I'd give you an example of a hand, but I can tell that this is getting boring already. Just trust me, there are a lot of pushes, which in turn leads to you and your buddies sitting at the table for hours upon hours. If you get the cocktail waitress trained early, you won't be seeing straight by night's end. (Training the cocktail waitress: Step 1: Tip big on the first drink or two, after that she'll be back early and often. Step 2: Tip $1 everytime after that.)

After the Thursday night football game, Addy and I hit the Pai Gow table. The first night is a great example of how you win at Pai Gow, even when you lose. Addy had never played before, but that didn't stop him, nor should it stop any of you out there. One of the great staples of Pai Gow is that you can ask the dealer how the house would play your hand and they will tell you, EVERY TIME. This is good for Addy since he has the attention span of a 7 year old, especially when he starts drinking Redbull vodkas. It's really not that complicated though.

By the time 4 o'clock came around, we had the waitress bringing us RBVs every seven minutes. Addy, despite not paying attention and still having no idea what the rules were, had piled up a nice stack of chips. He also had made good friends with our good dealer Donna and the other patrons at the table. He had asked Donna to marry him a few times and the guys next to us kept gawking at him while he managed to keep stacking up chips. Like I said before, with all the pushed hands, it's rare that you lose much money, but in turn it's also rare that you win very much either. Chalk Addy's success up to drunken beginner's luck.

I said Donna was our good dealer. The bad dealer on this night was Chom. She was unbeatable and soon cleaned me out and took Addy's stack down considerably. Then Rainy came in (yes that is her name, 99% of the Pai Gow dealers are Asian, go figure) and really bent us over. Normally I have a rule that states if one is winning with a certain dealer, when he/she goes on break, color up and get the hell out of there because 99 times out of 100 the new dealer will absolutely anal rape you (figuratively speaking of course) and leave you feeling used and violated. I wasn't following my own rule on this night. I'll blame it on the waitress. She played hard.

When 5:30 came we decided it was time to call it and stumbled over for some food at the Earl of Sandwich. (sidebar: We had eaten before at some mexican bar. We pulled up and asked the bartender what he recommended on the menu. He highly recommended the menu item Drunken Nachos, $10. Seems really appealing and extremely appropriate right? Wrong. I remember the excitement I had for a huge plate of nachos with all the fixings and tons of chicken canvasing the delicious chips and cheese. When the bartender brought us our mini sized plates with seven chips topped with only a few shreds of cheese, I about threw my plate across the bar. What a let down. This little encounter left us thinking that we might never get a regularly sized meal in Vegas unless we either A) spent $20 or B) went to In-N-Out. Needless to say, we weren't looking forward to our food expenditures for the rest of the trip. This info is needed to understand the elation we experienced in the next part of our adventure. End sidebar) Little did we know, we would be eating the greatest sandwiches of our lifetimes. We decided to take the food back to the room, but when I turned around after nearing the elevators, I saw Addy standing in the middle of the casino floor, absolutely dominating his late dinner/early breakfast. I couldn't really blame him, as I would soon find out those were the greatest sandwiches ever made.

Despite the casino being a maze, we made it back to the room after only walking in a circle for 20 minutes. I'm not joking about the maze either. When Addy left the table to go to the bathroom, it was a forgone conclusion he would get lost on his way back, despite the bathroom being a 30 second walk in any direction. He'd be gone for 15 minutes at a time, which meant I would have to finish his drink so he could get a fresh one (bonus!). End of night one. Gambling tally: Dusty = down, Addy = up.

I wrote the above paragraphs in December, right after this trip. I had some elaborate plan to hold the readers in suspense with how I ended the first paragraph, but now I can hardly remember the details of everything that happened for the rest of the weekend. I'll give it my best shot in a short summary below (considering I always give too much detail about everything that 100% of the people reading don't care about). What can I say? I've been busy.

Like the first paragraph alluded, something was avoided that would have been a weekend stopper. I woke up and couldn't find my wallet. Wasn't in my pants pocket or on the desk or really anywhere after we tore the room apart. The big problem with that, aside from not having my plastic and paper money, was that I was flying out on Monday....and what do you need to fly? That's correct, a valid form of ID. I no longer had that and I had to be in Wichita for work starting Tuesday morning. What does one do in that situation? Bend over and try to relax? I didn't want to think about that, so we put our effort into finding the wallet, no matter how unlikely finding it seemed.

After we retraced all our steps and realized I used it at the sandwhich place around 6 AM, we figured I left it there or it had to be in the room. We again tore the room apart and not until I lifted up Addy's bed did he crawl under and come back out with my wallet. It was way up by the head of the bed near the corner (so basically the darkest place in the room). We had both looked under the bed multiple times and couldn't see it. I don't even know why I decided to lift the beds up, we both KNEW there wasn't anything under there. Oopsy daisy. Addy and I then participated in a 5 minute celebration around the room. There was dancing, high fiving, awkward hugging while jumping up and down in circles. Thankfully neither of us broke our leg like Kendrys Morales. Complete and utter jubilation was upon us, and it carried us through the rest of the weekend. One of us would say, "Hey remember when we found the wallet? That was one of the best moments EVER!" and the same 5 minute celebration would occur. True story.

After that little mini-debacle I left my extra DL (yes I have two, don't ask) and a credit card in the room, so even if disaster did strike, I would be ok. I will also be doing this anytime I travel by air for the rest of my life. You should too. That's Life Lesson #1 from me, more to follow. Remember when I wrote that this part would be short? The rest of the trip was great, more of the same as day one, except we went to 2 concerts (SSWY came with the first night), managed to get free tickets the 2nd night (how? some dude literally gave them to Addy and told us to buy him a beer inside) AND then sold our original night two tickets within 30 seconds. Sunday was also good as we gambled on nearly every NFL game and watched all of them (except the Vikings because the Metrodome roof collapsed...awesome!)

Sunday night ended back at the Pai Gow table. Addy and I both proceeded to bank some cash at the table. We give all the credit to our good luck chip. There was one chip in play that was different from the rest because it had a picture of some dude on it. Addy dubbed the chip 'The Wrestler' and claimed that he could never lose a hand with The Wrestler in play. Soon everyone at the table knew of The Wrestler and its powers. It was so powerful that it would draw cheers everytime Addy won a hand. He was guaranteeing the dealer would lose and daring the dealer to try and take it from him. The Wrestler even radiated good luck to the whole table (or at least me). We walked away with around $300 between the two of us, including The Wrestler. It may not sound like it on paper, but just take my word for it, The Wrestler was awesome and helped bring fun and camaraderie to the table.

Oh oh I just remembered another sweet move I pulled. Some Pai Gow tables have this 'Fortune Bonus' side bet, which if you play you get paid out some decent odds if anyone at the table gets a straight or higher. One hand I had a straight flush on my high hand, and there was a dude playing the Fortune Bonus. I was waiting for him to get paid out, but the dealer took the cards and put them in the shuffle compartment. I asked the dealer why he didn't get paid because I had a straight flush, so the pit boss had to come over and pull the cards out of the shuffler and find my cards, then pay the guy out. The guy then proceeded to give me a $25 chip, considering I had just won him a couple hundy, I thought that was mighty fine of him. Boom, LAWYERED.

Overall in roughly 90 hours in Vegas we were inside the PH for 88 of them. The only exception was when we walked (which I don't recommend, it's tougher than you think to get across the interstate) to In-N-Out for some delicious double-doubles. The only other meals we had were from the Earl of Sandwhich and the bar where we went to watch football (still inside PH). After the first night, EoS became standard lunch, dinner, and breakfast, in that order because we were going to bed at 5 and waking up at noon. Those sandies were that good (and inexpensive!). Good times; and that's all I have to say about that.

What a long strange trip it's been

Well a lot has happened since my last post. I don't know where to begin. I think I'll try to sum up how I feel about certain events in a couple sentences. That's something new. Now I just need to think of the topics. Here we go.

DMB show Omaha

Highlight: Aside from the show itself (which was fantastic), seeing the chick next to us pass out right before our very eyes, falling absolutely face first on to the concrete floor harder than I've ever seen. Too mean? How about this, on the drive home Meow and I stopped at a gas station for some refreshments. For some reason, he purchased milk and was drinking it with the window down. A car that pulled up next to us said something funny about milk, but I can't remember what it was. Now I bet you wish I would've have just stopped with the girl falling on her face. Too late.

Lowlight: As I was standing on the corner waiting to cross the street on the way to the Qwest Center, a bird shat on my right shoulder. True story.

DMB show St. Paul

Highlight: Aside for the show itself (which was fantastic), it had to be the antics of Dr. P A) telling Joe Nathan (whom we saw at the bar after the show) that he would never come back from surgery and be good again, B) getting kicked out of bar 1 for slamming a fake window at a booth, C) nearly getting kicked out of bar 2 for breaking a pint glass at the table and knocking a neon sign off the window, and D) asking for a ride from Addy and I only to disappear and take what had to be a $50 cab ride home. Bravo Dr. P!

Lowlight: Wait, maybe the highlight was actually the lowlight. So here's the actual highlight - taking my sister, brother, and his girlfriend to their first shows! (awwwwwwww how sweet am I?)

Twins @ White Sox, US Cellular Field, Chicago, IL, USA, Earth, Milky Way, The Universe

Greatest Mauer jersey ever?

Highlight: Aside from the game itself (which was fantasic), I'd say it would have to be us trying to bring brooms in as the Twins were looking to complete a 3 game sweep, the security gaurds telling us we couldn't bring in the full brooms, us breaking them off right near the sweeper part so we could get in with the brooms, me busting out my broom in the 1st inning after the Twins were up 1-0, my friends quickly grabing it from me telling me it was too early for that, the Twins scoring 2 more runs that inning making my friends look silly for stopping me, all of the shit we took from the Sox fans around us as the Twins held on for the sweep, and all of the random Twins fans that wanted to take pictures with us because of our sweet broom handles. Oh yeah, not getting shot after all those shenanigans while on the south side of Chi-town was pretty cool too.

Tailgating with brooms a-ready.

Lowlight: Addy making a fool of himself, leaning over the bullpen, screaming at Matt Thornton and asking him which milestone he was going to give up next (referring to Jim Thome's moonshot in extra innings at Target Field on 8/17), before nearly getting escorted out by security. Don't mess with karma dude.

DMB Wrigley Day 1

Highlight: Aside from the show itself (which was fantastic), keeping up Chicago traditions by going for a slurpee at 7-Eleven. There's one on every corner. Kind of like Dunkin Donuts on the east coast. Don't think that the day sucked just because a slurpee is my highlight either. You don't know how much I love slurpees and as a bonus, we got some taquitos. Also we managed to get a free beer tower after the show and I of course showcased my best dance moves.

Lowlight: Dr. P bought a metal slurpee straw. Yes, he paid money for a straw that had the words 'Slurpee' printed on it. Also, my old reliable Moto Q died on me. Good night, sweet Prince.

It's funny if you read it as one sentence.

DMB Wrigley Day 2

Highlight: Aside from the show itself (which was fantastic), watching the Big Red throttle Washington at a local Husker bar. The place was almost as full of Husker fans as the sea of red at Memorial Stadium. Pretty nifty atmosphere considering we were 525 miles removed from Lincoln. Playing on my new phone provided some entertainment as well.

Look at the bun on that! Kirkwood Bar, Chicago.

Lowlight: Bom Bom and I falling asleep, beers in hand, at the bar near home base. Both teams played hard. In our defense we were sitting on an extremely comfortable couch.

P & L District, KC, MO

Highlight: Aside from the cab ride through Taco Bell drive thru (which was fantastic), I'd say the piano bar was a good time but not for any particular reason (probably because I don't remember any particular moments), but the real good time was back at the hotel when the DeanYo told me he'd buy my KC Chiefs ticket if I went over and knocked on the door of the previously discovered bachelorette party room, in nothing but my boxers. Of course I did and it was caught on video.... For mature audiences only. (<----plays with quicktime)

Lowlight: I can’t really think of one, so we must have been flying high all night. That almost makes me wish we had a Dr. P type there to make a good story. Almost. (Just kidding Dr. P! Or am I?)

Team Digits @ Chiefs, Arrowhead Stadium

Highlight: Aside from the game itself (which was fantastic), definitely had to be all of the supremely clever Chiefs fans that told me I was in the wrong place since I was wearing a Vikings jersey. Can’t a person just go to a game and be a football fan supporting his team? I countered by telling them I was part of an NFL sponsored program called Fans Across America, of which the goal is to have at least one fan from every NFL team at every game for the entire season.

Post game highlight: I met Jum and some friends at the casino in KC and watched football at the bar. We nearly saw two Chiefs fans square off because one was rooting for the Chargers instead of the Seahawks. Fortunately, only the wife was knocked on the ground when the guy went over to scream at the other guy, ‘I was born!’ That must be out of context because it doesn’t make sense. Does it?

Probably the only time Team Digits was in the red zone all day.

Lowlight: Due to the previous night’s activities in the P & L District, it was a slow moving day and there wasn’t much motivation to get crazy. Plus it may have taken an IV of moonshine to get me feeling anywhere near sloppy faced. Probably a good thing since it was Sunday, I still had a 3 hour drive home, and work was at 7:30 AM and I was still planning on going to the casino with Jum until 10 PM.

Special thanks to all of you wonderful people out there that made these events possible, especially to our lovely lady Chi-town hosts, even if one of you is a White Sox fan.

You can only be a Sox fan if you are from south Chicago. Lucky for Tags, she is.

Bom and I enjoying a Twins sweep.

I am kind of in a shell shock after the recent happenings involving my favorite baseball and football teams, especially after two great seasons and the high expectations going in to this baseball post-season and this early football season. The sweep of the Twins feels different this year. I can’t put my finger on it, but this one is going to be tougher to get over. Trying to write about it isn’t helping so I’ll move on to the debacle that is the 1-3 Minnesota Vikings.

It is hard to imagine that Sidney Rice was such a big piece of our offense that we can’t even function without him. Clearly other factors are in play here i.e. horrible play calling, poor efforts in picking up blitzes, and an overall lack of enthusiasm. It is also weird that I posted a picture of Randy Moss in my NFL preview post and now he has returned to Minny. Encouraging, even in the loss to the Jets, were the flashes I saw of the ’09 offense possibly waking up and coming to life. Discouraging, however, was the late pick the newly crowned all-time fumbles leader threw to end the game. Despite the disappointments, I’ll continue to lay it all out there for my teams. In winning or losing seasons, through good press and junk picture texting scandals, through sweeps of the White Sox and division series sweeps by the Yanks, I’ll be there. Like my friend Ben Wrightman said, ‘It’s good for your soul to invest in something you can’t control.’

Call Me Crazy....

Last night was the start of a five day stretch of what may seem crazy to some, but will most likely rival some of my greatest adventures I've experienced in my lifetime. I may sound like a broken record here talking about my favorite band, but I don't care. They [Dave Matthews Band] were in my town last night so of course I had to attend. Back when I lived in the Great White North, the other groupies and I routinely drove countless hours to see a show. So when the baddest band in the land is playing 20 minutes away from where I lay my head at night, I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't go. Not that I didn't want to go, but in lieu of the events planned during the next four days, I was hesitant at dropping cash on a ticket. Let me explain.

Back in March, I purchased DMB tickets to the St. Paul show as a graduation/birthday gift for my little sister. Even though he's a bum and he doesn't read this fantastic publication, I bought a ticket for my brother as a birthday gift. If I was really cool, I would have bought a ticket for his girlfriend without expecting her to pay me back, but my generosity only goes so far. Maybe I'll buy her a mixed drink before the show. Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked; the point is, we planned on going to this show and it would be a good time blah, blah, blah. That was as far as this story went. The Execl Energy Center show was scheduled as the last stop on the 2010 summer tour. The key word in that last sentence is 'was.' It 'was' the last show of the summer tour until a couple months ago when they added two shows at Wrigley Field. Combo the addition of the Wrigley shows with the band's announcement that there would not be a 2011 tour and the groupies and I decided we had to be in attendance. Shortly after they went on sale, we had a crew of six going to both nights in Chicago. Boom.

As I said before, last night was the Omaha show. I'm leaving in an hour for St. Paul. Tomorrow, Meow is meeting Addy and I in Des Moines and we'll be in Chi-town by 5 PM. Now it's time for you to get out your MLB schedules and see who just happens to be in town playing the rival White Sox. Oh what's that? My defending Central Division Champion Minnesota Twins are wrapping up a three game series versus the south-siders? Well it would just be stupid not to go to that game decked out in Twins gear, obnoxiously drunk, screaming long-time White Sox television broadcaster Ken 'Hawk' Harrelson sayings. I think the game is going to be broadcast on MLB Network so if you don't live in Twins or Sox territory, look for us on the TV.

The Twins magic number is currently at 12 so we can't clinch the division while we are in attendance, but you could imagine what it'd be like if we could. Right? Right? Right? Funny story: I just told the short version of this post to my buddy El DeanYo. This is his response: Wow.. you are doing more this weekend then I've done my entire life. You should write a song about it. Or blog.'

Are You Ready For Some Football?

The National Football League kicks off the regular season tonight with the rematch of last year's NFC Title game. My favorite band will be playing on the pre-game show and my favorite team will be playing in the game. Could be fun.

Aaron Rodgers has fear for the mullet. The rest of the National Football League should get in line.

I love how quickly people have gotten down on the Vikings this year. It's laughable to hear all the people taking a turn to negative town. I'm not even mad though, it's amazing. I'm impressed. I'd like to take the time to point back to last year before the regular season. What were people saying about the Vikings then? I don't recall many people predicting much different than what they are saying now. I think the Vikes came in to last season with more question marks than this year.

Here are the preseason complaints I remember from last year: Sidney Rice was basically an unproven scrub. Percy Harvin was an unproven rookie with chronic migraines. Adrian Peterson had a fumbling problem. Brett Favre was old. Brad Childress was a bad play caller. The secondary was banged up and not very good. Bernard Berrian is just a so-so player.

Here's what I'm hearing this year: Sidney Rice is out. Percy Harvin has chronic migraines. Adrian Peterson has a fumbling problem. Brett Favre is old. Brad Childress is a bad play caller. The secondary is banged up and not very good. Bernard Berrian is still a so-so player. The Vikes don't have a replacement for Chester Taylor.

I'll give you the Chester Taylor argument, that's it. Everything else is the same. Sidney Rice being out for 6-8 weeks is actually better than where we sat last year, since we didn't know he could be an impact player. I don't doubt the Vikings can plug in an unproven scrub, like Rice was last year, and have success, see: Greg Lewis Espy Award. Harvin showed what he is capable of last year. I only see improvement and more involvement in the offense this season. The migraines have been there his entire life and, to me, are a non-factor. Forget about them. Favre is still old. That old guy still managed to put up the best season of his career last year. As for his durability, see: Consecutive Games Started record. I don't like Childress. As long as he doesn't screw up a can't miss power house offense, I'll let him be. Our defense is still one of the best in the National Football League despite whatever our secondary does. No team is perfect, I'll deal. Who cares if Berrian isn't a pro-bowler? See previous statement regarding perfection.

This is what Moss had to say to Vikings haters back in the day. I bid the same to Vikings haters today.

Whew! I'm glad I was able to get that off my chest. Seriously though, I do love how everyone is writing the Vikes off early. Coming in with all the pressure is much tougher. I wonder which team has more pressure tonight. I wonder how long it's been since a Super Bowl Championship team has even won a playoff game the following season. Good luck Saints; you're going to need it.

Although nobody really cares, I have my playoff picks for this season, below. I just want to see how bad they are when the season ends. This way I can easily look back and say 'Cripes! What a bunch of worthless predictions those were!'

NFC East: Cowboys NFC North: Vikings NFC South: Falcons NFC West: 49ers

Wild Card: Packers, Giants

AFC East: Patriots AFC North: Ravens AFC South: Colts AFC West: Chargers

Wild Card: Titans, Jets

Super Bowl: Vikings over the Colts (Peyton becomes Jim Kelly incarnate with the exception of his one SB win)

The End of an Era?

Back in the fall of 2003, an impressionable young man strolled through the University of North Dakota student union on a crisp weekday afternoon, unsuspecting of how his life would soon be changed forever. As a freshman in college, the world was in front of him. No one looking over his shoulder, he was in charge of his own path, determined to make his upcoming life journey a memorable one. He harbored high hopes that one day people would say, 'If that boy's life was posted on the interweb as a readily available free publication, I probably wouldn't read it, but I bet someone might.'

That young man was me. I still remember that day. It was the day I became aware of the fantastic deal that is the $5 large pizza from Little Caesars. Back then, it was a new deal that was only available one day of the week at the UND student union (there was a deal on a different day that had $3 medium pizzas too, I think). When I say it was a 'new deal,' I mean it was new to me, so of course since I hadn't heard of it before, I am making the assumption that it was a new development in the pizza industry, discovered by me. I mean, let's face it, a deal like that isn't going to be around for long before a food lover such as myself discovers it. Natural deductive reasoning suggests that day was probably the first time the $5 large was offered. Worst case scenario, it had been around for a week. I've since eaten so many of those pizzas, it wouldn't be out of the question to say that I was solely responsible for the success and eventual expansion of the $5 large pizza campaign. The $5 large pizzas were soon available anyday, anytime, and they were always hot and ready. You're welcome America.

I remember thinking how it was absolutely mind-blowing that LC could produce and sell a pizza of that size for that price. I know what some of you are thinking and I agree, it's not the greatest pizza in the world. That title is well spoken for and comes with a price, a price well worth it. In the case of LC, it's all about the value. Getting something for great value makes it more appealing and easier to overlook the quality. Don't get me wrong, if you tried to sell me a large pizza covered with dog poo for $1, I wouldn't simply overlook the shit on my pizza and eat it because it's cheap. That is too much of a sacrifice in quality for price to overcome. I'd probably seriously consider it though. Pizza for a dollar? What was I thinking? You can't pass that deal up! That's crazy talk!

Seriously though, the value doesn't excuse a glaring drop in quality, just a slight drop. The LCs large pizzas are fantastic quality considering the price, but there was a separate secret ingredient that, when added, made eating the pizzas more like a religious experience than a regular dinner. Recently, the secret became nothing but a faded memory; a faint, lingering taste in my mouth.

Of course fellow LC lovers know that I am referring to the Spice Paks that were available for patrons to sprinkle, like tiny little specks of delicious, all across the pizza, making a tasty feast for all to enjoy. These bundles of wonderful flavor upgraded the already decent LC pizza to something unmatched by the competition. The seasoning was taking a good meal and making it great. It could only be better if a fresh order of Crazy Bread was added (no marinara sauce needed). Brilliant!

I could write another 1,000 word post on these alone.

Sadly, these Spice Paks have been slowly disappearing over the last few years. It first started in Grand Forks during my senior year. After ordering a hot and ready pizza, I asked for some Spice Paks like I had a thousand times before. Then I heard the words that would haunt me for the rest of my life, well, at least until I left the parking lot, 'Sorry, we don't have Spice Paks anymore.' All I heard was, 'Die die die!'

Surprisingly, life went on. You know the expression depressed losers use, 'Food has lost its taste blah blah blah something about colors are dull.' I kind of felt like that, but just the food part and only for LC pizza. Yet, it was truer for LC pizza than it was for any food I've ever loved. I thought I'd never fully enjoy a hot and ready large again. I say 'fully enjoy' because obviously there was no way I was going to stop enjoying taking advantage of that deal.

A few months passed before I struck gold once again. Sometime when visiting my home town, I indulged in my LC pizza passion. Even though, I hadn't seen one in GF for months, I always asked for the ever so coveted Spice Paks. To my surprise, my wish was granted and all was right with the world once again! The feeling didn't last long. Less than a year later, the B-town LC was out of Spice Paks, for good as it seemed.

Although discouraged and downtrodden, I kept searching. Anytime I saw a different LC, I tried it out in hopes of finding my spice of life. It was hit or miss on the road, I'd like to say 50%, but who knows. It wasn't until I landed a 'real world' job in Omaha that I found a steady supply again. The last two years have been great, but in the back of my mind, I knew a day was coming when the Spice Paks would run out. It happened not too long ago. I thought maybe I'd have to move again to a city where the Spice Paks were untapped. Then I decided to post a tribute to Spice Paks, which you are reading right now, and I found this while looking for a picture.

I don't care about the salmonella! I don't believe it either. I never got sick and I've eaten at least a billion of these paks. True story.

DTP-alooza

Another birthday has come and gone and the earth has now been graced with my presence for over 27 years. It just so happens that a fellow from my office and another fellow on my softball team were celebrating their yearly anniversary of birth the same week as me. The powers that be came together one wet, hot, American summer night and came up with a brilliant idea. We were going to throw a three-way party. Wait.... that doesn't sound so good when talking about three dudes. Let me rephrase. We came up with the idea to throw a party with us three birthday boys as the featured hosts. Within seconds of forming the idea, a mutual friend and professional party planner, offered her services up for free. The wheels were set in motion for what will forever be known as DTP-alooza!

The party planning committee was high in energy and full of enthusiasm. The ideas were flowing all week long, of course all planning took place during non-business hours. There were many party planning luncheons discussing venues, refreshments, activities, music, and invitees. First off, we decided that a cleverly written and well decorated e-vite would be a great way to get the word out and create a minor media buzz (because that's what minor celebrities do). I was going to put a link to the e-vite in this post, but after further review there was some personal info I didn't want leaked all over the world wide interweb, thus I am not linking it. Being the minor celeb that I am, I've got to have at least one bat-shit crazy stalker right? You'll just have to trust me that it was cleverly written and well decorated. I wouldn't lie to you.

It was decided that my house was the ideal locale, mostly because of the decently sized basement/backyard and because I rent. The birthday men supplied a keg of the finest Bud Light money can buy. I also made a special concoction and labeled it DTP's Killer Lemonade. Really, it was just lemonade with a whole bunch of roofies mixed in. Just kidding! There were various amounts of beer, vodka, lemonade, limeade, and sprite mixed together while tasting delicious and allowing one to get glassy eyed fast and in a hurry.

We had these posters plastered all over the entire house as well. 8 different pictures. Collect 'em all!

There was beer pong being played and bags being thrown. There were Jell-O shots being slurped and Yum Fizzy shots being poured. There was music in the air and magic in our hearts. The whole evening was one big, glorious gongshow. The DTP-alooza playlist we created was fantastically epic and there were even some guest DJs screaming over the mic. Later on, Snoop-a-loop performed live and Frank the Tank streaked across the stage and then through the quad and into the gymnasium. Consequently, he didn't make it to the Home Depot the next morning and it goes without saying that there wasn't enough time for Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

I'm going to tell you everything that I remember happening at this fantastic festival of fun: I played and won 2 games of beer pong and I rode down the neighbor kids' slide. That's it.

People began arriving around 7 PM and from what I'm told, I was still kicking when the last person left at 3 AM. All I can say is those must have been some long ass games of beer pong. Also, after several hours of searching the next day, I found my cellular telephone underneath the neighbor kids' slide. All in all, DTP-alooza was a success. Someone left a 12 pack in the basement which made it an even bigger success. Score!

We also had a wavier agreement to sign. Once signed, it was taped to the wall in the basement. Good times.

By signing this document, I ___________, agree not to disclose
any information about the happenings that take place during the DTP-alooza*, or
during any residual happenings that may occur as a direct or indirect result
from the aforementioned event, with any person that did not participate in the
DTP-alooza. This is an agreement that cannot be voided under any
circumstance once signed, as determined by the United States Supreme Court. This
agreement is for the safety** and continued well-being** of all involved
attendees of DTP-alooza 2010. Any breach of this agreement by the signer will be
pursued and punished to the full extent of the law.

Now you have no excuse to hold back. What happens at or
because of DTP-alooza, stays in the DTP-alooza circle of legally bound
trust.

*DTP-alooza is considered an open ended event set to begin on
Saturday, August 7, 2010. It may included up to 4 hours before the official start
time of 5:00 PM CDT and up to 24 hours after the signer leaves the
event.

** Safety and well-being in this case, refer to social safety
and well-being i.e. reputation, image, and the like. The creators of DTP-alooza
are in no way responsible for any physical injuries sustained to the signer of
this agreement.

Pat didn't send us a pic for the e-vite and the name has been changed to protect the innocent.

Rooftop Jams '03: A Mixtape Of All The Queen Songs I Was Really In To In The Summer Of 2003

What a place that New York City is. Those streets made me feel brand new. Those lights did inspire me. Despite the fact that I got in 12 hours later than I was supposed to (thanks Midwest Airlines!), I managed to get over my continuing airline travel curse and have a super swell time. Most of the time it feels good hangin’ with the laid back country folk, but every once in awhile, I like to mix it up and feel the hustle and bustle of the big city. All teams played hard and majorly contributed to what I’m calling a tremendous victory, not only for us travelers, but for the city of New York and all of the people there that were blessed enough to have been touched by our "presence." Why did I put presence in quotes? The answer is because Paul Rudd is my hero. If you are lost right now, go out and rent Role Models and watch it. Hurry up or you’re going to miss more references. Anyway, back to the people that were touched, even though you didn’t say thank you, we know you are grateful. You are welcome.

Look at Ant's Nose Neighbor. It was a conversation piece. Sample dialogue: Have you seen my friend with the mustache?

The trip provided much entertainment from top to bottom, but there are a few things that stick out and might be worth sharing. Obviously, I must think my life is fantastically entertaining or I wouldn’t keep an entire blog dedicated to, as my boy SSWY put it, spinning epic tales of grand adventure. Some people may think they aren't worth sharing. Maybe you don't want to read. That's the beauty of free will, you control what you do. Sometimes I want to be from Vermont and have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate and, at least in my own mind, that can be true. The point is, you can read this or close the window, the choice is yours. Do you think I care if anyone reads this? Ok, you got me, I really, really do. What can I say? I have low self esteem. Can you tell that I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night? I’ve been listening to Come on Elieen by Kevin Rowland and Dexy’s Midnight Runners on repeat for the entire work day; that should give you some kind of indication of the shape I’m in. At four and half minutes per play, I’d say that today I’ve heard it roughly 87 times and counting. With that, I’ll segue in to spinning some epic mini-tales of grand adventure.

Addy, DC, Ant, and I after Friday's show

I previously mentioned that I was most excited about makin’ sweet plays on the Great Lawn. We did put on a quite a clinic for those watching. Hitting the cut-off man, gunning down imaginary runners, and throwing wicked breaking pitches were all activities that made the Makin' Plays: The Great Lawn Story documentary. We couldn’t really make as many plays as we wanted due to time constraints, temperature constraints, and old washed up arm constraints, but we made the best of what’s around.

Couldn't have been too hot. I kept the sweater vest on

The Jimmy Fallon taping was cool to see live. The highlight of the show, aside from JLoveH talking about happy endings and us repping our favorite ballclub on national TV, was Addy and Ant getting their cameras confiscated for breaking the ‘no pictures in the studio’ rule. While Addy thought he could be pretty sneaky (or snakey) and snap a pic ninja style during the JLH interview, he was sadly mistaken. As soon as he took the pic and thought he was in the clear, I assured him that one of the thirty-seven security guys scanning the crowd with hawk-like prowess saw him. Sure enough, during the next break the iPhone was confiscated. Ant was a little less discrete when he attempted his photo. The show was over and people were leaving when an announcement reminded us to keep cell phones put away until we exited the studio. Ant thought that meant he could take out his actual camera and take a picture; this was not a correct assumption. When the security guys yelled out, ‘Swarm!!’ Ant just held the camera out so they could take it from him. They didn’t take it since the show was over, but they did stand there and watch as Addy and Ant deleted the pictures from their respective electronics.

Of course he's in a 3-point stance

The concerts were great, as always. Zac Brown opened both nights and surprised us with a little Rage Against the Machine cover. I think they could switch musical genres without skipping a beat. That boy has some anger he needs to let out and the crowd was going nuts, especially considering the headliner wasn’t going to be on stage for another hour. The baddest band in the land delivered some quality music and we all sweated through our clothes multiple times. Our crew was pretty close the 2nd night.

Dave and the boys doin' their thing

One of the random things we ended up doing was attending a comedy show at a supposed famous place where the likes of Murphy, Seinfeld, Rock, and Sandler used to play. We weren’t expecting much and only bought the tickets because A) they were $10 and B) there was a chance the dude that wears a trucker hat from 30 Rock would show up for a set. I just remembered, the bar across the street from the club happened to have $1 beers all night. That may have slightly influenced our decision. Random decision number one of the trip turned out to be a good one. We saw several good acts and one fantastic set by a finalist on Last Comic Standing, and our boy from 30 Rock showed up. The only bad thing (which makes it a better story) is that there was a two drink minimum and the prices were like that of a strip club (or Yankee game). Beer was the cheap item on the menu at $10 each; mixed drinks were going for $15. Long story short, Ant was double fisting, yadda yadda yadda, he was mildly upset when his bill arrived.

You could get a whole bunch of Mums

I'll wrap this up with a particularly strange event that happened during our grand adventures. One night after the show, we got back to the hotel around 12:30 to change and head back out, taking advantage of the 4 AM bar close time. When in Rome, right? We end up at some dive bar right around the corner. Ant strikes up a convo with a random kid, meanwhile I'm running out of gas at an incredible rate. Next thing I know, bar had closed, we all had 6-packs, and were sitting on the rooftop of the random kid's apartment listening to every song in Queen's catalog, while watching the sunrise. Also, the random kid was absolutely rocking out, by himself, to every single song. He was just off in his own little world strutting around the roof, while three strangers watched, dancing his face off to his iPod, from which he was exclusively playing Queen, for about two solid hours. Yes, he was extremely high and entertainment was had by all.

In case you can't read the fine print:

-That's definitely a dude

-It can't be

-It's not

-Who cares?